The Parenting Game

The Parenting Game. You win if you have positive points at the end.

One point for:
– A load of laundry or dishes
– Cooking somewhat nutritious meals for your kids
– Using the positive language eg ‘that’s not how we walk the cat’ rather than ‘don’t pull the cat’s tail’
– wiping the babies face without tears
– the 5th daily reading of [insert mundane favourite book here]
– showering without baby crying
– getting baby to self-settle

Minus one point for:
– everytime the almost 3yo hits, jumps on or over-zealously cuddles the baby
– everytime french fries are considered a vegetable
– a threenager tantrum over 5 minutes
– a bumped head
– a half finished cup of tea
– a missed or interrupted feed (you didn’t run out of TV time did you? or did the cat disturb you?)

Game over:
– If bub doesn’t nap for at least an hour at a time
– if dinner isn’t served by 5.45
– when threenager doesn’t nap

Rules:
– your kitchen is unsafe for kids, they aren’t allowed in, even in your arms.
– you must hold a fussy, teething baby
– you can’t leave said baby alone with threenager for longer than 30 seconds unless threenager is engaged watching television
– baby’s highchair attention span without food is 5 mins
– threenager shouldn’t watch more than an hour of television a day. this includes the all important feeding and settling baby times
-baby happily still nurses. in his room. immediately after a sleep. in the dark.  with no distractions.
– the washing machine is dying a slow death. it wakes the baby on spin cycle. proceed with caution (and maths, but don’t forget in your sleep deprived state maths isn’t your strong point)
– one of your cats is neurotic and has developed anxiety. he cries when the baby does. or when you are alone in the room with the baby. unfortunately baby is old enough to understand that noise and no longer wants to sleep/feed. sigh.

Remember each day is a new round! It never ends!

Bonus Rounds! (you must select at least one each day)
– Night weaning – listen from 5am as hubby resettles crying 11 month old. If bub cries too much then either the toddler wakes or the neurotic cat scratches at the laundry door. Spray water on cat as often as required and tell toddler to go back to sleep. Any sleep in half hour blocks after 5am is worth 2 points! Any ten minute blocks make you feel worse – minus 2 points.
– Velcro baby – 11 month old is teething/going through a wonder week/ getting a cold. You cannot put him down for longer than ten minutes the entire day. You are still expected to get everything done. Minus 2 points for no laundry or dishes.
– Gastro! Woohoo the jackpot! Gastro goes successively through each family member. Wait with baited breath while each one of you takes their turn, crying in the fetal position and vomiting on your clothes. Minus 5 points.
– Tantrum central. On these days Mr almost 3 tantrums over both big and small: he didn’t want banana in his porridge (you asked him twice); his toast is cut up (like it is every day); he complains that baby is too close (he decided to play next to him); or you won’t let him ride his car on the couch. Two points each time you remain calm and avoid joining in. Minus 2 points each time you yell, make new porridge/toast or move baby (of course this does help keep baby safe (refer to original rules)).

Bonus rounds soon to be released:
– Dummy training
– Cot to bed transition
– Toilet training!